Here We Go Again

My car was in the shop, so Warren picked me up from work to drive me to my first doctor's appointment. This was the morning after the big American election, and sitting on the passenger's seat when I hopped in the car was a Calgary Herald with Barrack's smiling face on the front. Warren smiled shyly and said "I thought it would be nice for the baby's memory box...you know...what was going on in the world the year he/she was born". Wow. What a guy.

Clearly Warren is handling this second go around better than myself, and it couldn't have been more evident than when I sat down to talk with my doctor.

Joan: So, what's going on? (she says this as if her office assistant gave her zero indication of what the appointment was for).

Amanda: (looks shyly to ground, sits) Well, I got another positive pregnancy test.

Joan: (laughs a little) Uh huh. I hear a little hesitation in your voice...

Amanda: Well...

Joan: (interrupts)...because most women would come in and say.... (gestures to Amanda)...

Amanda: ...I'm pregnant.

Joan: Right!

It's true - this time around I have been extremely hesitant. It doesn't help that I feel almost no symptoms. Sure, I'm just over 5 weeks, but I was really hoping this time would be substantially different. But I feel empty inside, like nothing is there. And, what's worse, is I feel horrible even saying that because clearly I'm not empty inside. Logically, there are indeed the sprouts of a little human being there somewhere and what horrible disservice am I paying the first moments of this human's life by feeling nothing. It breaks my heart that the innocence and naivete that should come with these early weeks is completely absent.

Of course I'm trying really hard to be positive and think positive, and I know I couldn't do it without Warren. His hugs, his belly pats, the twinkle of excitement in his eyes.

Sweet little baby, I pray we get to meet you.