Pants On Fire

Today at Kyle's 2 month vaccinations...

Nurse: So...feedings are going well?

Amanda: Yes, great.

Nurse: Your supply is good and you offer both breasts at a feeding?

Amanda: Yup, yup.

Nurse: Kyle is smiling and being social?

Amanda: Totally!

Nurse: Do you have a good support system...lots of family in town?

Amanda: Oh yes...tons! (smiles...she is totally acing this!)

Nurse: And you're putting him to sleep on his back, in a crib with no blankets, toys, pillows or bumper pads?

Amanda: (doesn't even flinch...bites tongue) Mmmm Hmmm....

Nurse: Well his head shape is beautiful...he's learning to turn his head side to side when sleeping?

Amanda: (raises eyebrows to fake enthusiasm) Mmmm Hmmm!

Nurse: And is he getting lots of tummy time?

Amanda: Oh yes - lots!

Tummy Troubles

As I've mentioned before, Kyle is a Snuggle Bug. He is quite happy to fall asleep in your arms, and when he's really dozy his favorite position is tummy-to-chest. Since he was born, this meant that to put him in his crib, we had to flip him to his back to sleep...because 'back is best', doncha know. But he would always freak out. His arms would shoot out in front of him like he thought he was falling, in that newborn reflex kind of way. Swaddling him didn't help, it only made him angry.

So, at first, he slept on us a lot, and his crib and bassinet stayed empty. But that couldn't last forever. We got desperate. So we started to transfer him from our chest, to his crib...without 'flipping' him.

*GASP*!!! I know. It was an awful, awful feeling. The general consensus these days is that, because tummy sleeping is a known risk factor for SIDS, I was sentencing him to death by putting him to sleep on his tummy. But it was that, or risk smothering him in my sleep as he slept on my chest.

I told my baby doctor, and she wasn't overly reassuring. I expected her to say 'oh, lots of babies sleep on their tummies!', but instead she pointed out that I was increasing his risk, even though it was the most minuscule increase, and that I need to do what is within my comfort level (you know, how comfortable am I risking his life every night...!!!) and make sure he is on a very flat surface, with no blankets, blah, blah, blah.

So, with that guilt trip in mind, I kept 'trying' him on his back, in the hopes that one day it would just click in his brain that his back felt great! Still hasn't happened. He mocks me by happily laying on his back when he's awake, kicking about and such.

There are a couple 'pros' to tummy sleeping though...

1) His neck has always been very strong.

2) He has never needed official 'tummy time'.

3) He has a perfectly shaped head.

4) HE ROLLED FROM FRONT TO BACK LAST NIGHT, before his two month birthday! Rhys did that for the first time when he was 2.5 months (proof here in the OMG VIDEO). Kyle was in his crib sleeping on his tummy, when I heard him start to cry. I picked up the monitor to check on him and HE WAS ON HIS BACK. I of course had to go in and flip him back to his tummy so he could fall asleep.

Good job little man. We'll have you walking by six months, I know it ;)

Not Awful. ( changed title)

I have been a Negative Nelly lately.

At a dinner party the other night I was asked "So, how is it now that Rhys is home full time?". "Awful", I replied. Everyone laughed and I proclaimed myself The World's Most Honest Mom. Everyone laughed some more.

But deep down, I regretted that answer instantly. 'Awful' was simply the wrong word. It's not awful at all. I mean - from a purely selfish perspective, it's just really, really, REALLY hard. And frustrating. And often overwhelming. And exhausting. But, the truth is... (and this is VERY hard for a mom who chose to go back to work to admit)...the truth is, Rhys is THRIVING lately. He's happier at home than he used to be. He laughs and smiles more. He's not tired and worn down at the end of the day. His imagination is exploding. He's playing with more of his toys and watching less TV. His linguistic skills are improving everyday with new words, longer sentences and better pronunciation. It's been really wonderful to watch. A far cry from 'awful'. But, it's not easy engaging with him and remaining patient with him while I'm nursing or burping or rocking a baby to sleep at any given moment in the day. And it's easy to focus on the negative.

Last night, as I nursed Kyle at 4:00am, I started to feel incredibly guilty that he would not be getting a full year with me like this, when he's a toddler. And sad that I won't get a year like this with him.

The good days aren't without their bad moments. And the bad days aren't without their good moments, either. The secret is knowing which moments to focus on, I guess.

Tweet.

Rhys had a good night last night. Slept right through without incident. His eye goop was gone this morning and he was back to his normal self, somewhat. He's definitely a bit more needy that usual. When we dropped him off he did.not.want.us.to.leave. Tears in the morning for the first time. Aida was saying "You must go, you must go. He see you, he cries...". Back to wallowing in my mommy guilt for another day...

(I'm not on twitter, so this is kind of like a blog-tweet. Did I go over the character limit? Need to learn twitter shorthand I guess...).

Miracle of Miracles

When I tell people Rhys is going to be in daycare when I'm back to work, a common response is "It'll be tough, you'll shed a few tears, but he'll eventually really like it". "Shed a few tears?", I'd wonder, "Why, because I'll miss him? ". That seemed unlikely (the tears part). I mean, he was coming back. It's not like he's gone forever. He's just at daycare.

But yesterday proved them right.

To start off the day, Rhys had had a terrible night on Sunday night. Up every hour or so. Screaming. Miserable. He was a bit groggy in the morning, but still cheerful. The drop-off went well. It was rainy and grey outside, so I knew it would be a long day for him indoors.

I missed him, but it was something else, too. I felt kind of lost. No direction. No focus. On edge. I'd get teary, wondering how he was doing.

Then came time to pick him up. Warren was home so he came with me. "You know, with our luck, the first day you come with me to get him will be the day he's crying his head off" I joked, and we both laughed uncomfortably.

We walked through the doors, and....well. We both recognized that cry. He was standing by a table, crying, with dark circles under his red, tired eyes. My heart cracked into a thousand pieces. A caregiver swooped him up and consoled him, then looked at us, "He just started crying a second ago". It cracked into a thousand more pieces because I knew I'd never know if she was being truthful. Then Aida came to me. "Oh boy," she said. "He only napped today for thirty minutes. He had a good morning, but the afternoon, not good". I had never seen him that tired. His eyes were red from him rubbing them. He just looked beaten.

So we rushed him home so he could nap and get the rest he desperately needed. But instead, he screamed and screamed and we rocked him and cradled him but nothing worked. He slept for 10 minutes, that's it. We played with him but he was seriously going to collapse. So we bathed him and he was in bed by 5:20p. His night was slightly better than Sunday, but still rough. Up at 8:30p, 10:30p, 3a, and 6a. Screaming. Exhausted. That evening and night I cried and cried and cried and hated myself for ruining his life and breaking him. He seemed broken.

Morning came and he was happy. His eyes were crusty from a restless sleep, but he was happy. Off to daycare. Happy. We thought positive thoughts and prayed for a better nap today.

I had coffee with a friend, did some grocery shopping and when I came home Warren was home too. "I'm going crazy here! When can we go get him?". At 2:30p we drove down, preparing for the worst. Walked in, no crying. Good sign. Went around the corner and entered his room. He was sitting on Aida's lap, eyes red and sore and tired. My heart sank. He smiled when he saw us.

"Oh!", Aida said, "We just had a fight...I was washing his eyes, he doesn't like that...his eyes been dripping all day." Turns out, the goop we noticed in his eyes this morning was a sign of something more sinister. So she suggested we get some eye drops for him, but still bring him in tomorrow because he did really well today and she doesn't want to break the momentum. Also might be one of the reasons he's been sleeping poorly at home and rubbing his eyes so much.

My son, Rhys, slept for 1 hour and 30 minutes at daycare today. THANK YOU JESUS.