Not Awful. ( changed title)

I have been a Negative Nelly lately.

At a dinner party the other night I was asked "So, how is it now that Rhys is home full time?". "Awful", I replied. Everyone laughed and I proclaimed myself The World's Most Honest Mom. Everyone laughed some more.

But deep down, I regretted that answer instantly. 'Awful' was simply the wrong word. It's not awful at all. I mean - from a purely selfish perspective, it's just really, really, REALLY hard. And frustrating. And often overwhelming. And exhausting. But, the truth is... (and this is VERY hard for a mom who chose to go back to work to admit)...the truth is, Rhys is THRIVING lately. He's happier at home than he used to be. He laughs and smiles more. He's not tired and worn down at the end of the day. His imagination is exploding. He's playing with more of his toys and watching less TV. His linguistic skills are improving everyday with new words, longer sentences and better pronunciation. It's been really wonderful to watch. A far cry from 'awful'. But, it's not easy engaging with him and remaining patient with him while I'm nursing or burping or rocking a baby to sleep at any given moment in the day. And it's easy to focus on the negative.

Last night, as I nursed Kyle at 4:00am, I started to feel incredibly guilty that he would not be getting a full year with me like this, when he's a toddler. And sad that I won't get a year like this with him.

The good days aren't without their bad moments. And the bad days aren't without their good moments, either. The secret is knowing which moments to focus on, I guess.