Just Call Me Muffin Top

Today was a bit depressing for me. Not hugely depressing, but definitely a bit depressing. I know by the way I've named this post I'm setting it up as funny, but it was, in reality, a little depressing. Luckily I don't take myself too seriously, and can laugh at myself, I guess.

I had my yearly doctor's appointment today; you ladies know which one I'm talking about.

In my early 20's these appointments were all very routine. Go in. Step on the scale. Open wide. Say Aw. Breathe deep once. Breathe deep twice. Breast exam. Put on this silly gown. Feet in the stirrups. 2 minutes of total discomfort. Get some pills. Leave.

But lately, as in the last few years, I've been having some chronic pain issues that make these visits less-routine. I won't go into too much detail, because it's all quite personal and definitely Too-Much-Information! Over the last year I've been getting treatments to help with my pain-issues, but it has been a sloooooow process.

Today, as my doctor was pushing down on my hip bones (the general area of my pain), she noticed something. She started on the right side. One hand on top of the hip, the other slid underneath me, pushing up and down against my hip. Then she moves to my left side and does the same thing.

'Oh my God, do you feel that?' she says. I reply with an eloquent 'Huh?'. 'It's not supposed to do that' she says. She goes back to the other hip. 'See, see how this feels? See how stable that is?'

Sure. I guess.

'Now feel the difference' she goes back to the problem hip and pushes up and down. It was movin' all over the place, no resistance, nothing. 'Holy Crap' I said.

Turns out the joint on my left hip - the joint that essentially attaches my hip to my body/spine - is VERY LOOSE. And, her theory is, that my chronic pain has been a result of all my muscles in that area working double-triple-quadruple hard in an attempt to keep my hips together & stable. OUCH.

This didn't actually HELP my pain problem; only provided another theory for why it was there. So far, not so bad. So what was the depressing part?

Well, apart from the impact the chronic pain has on many aspects of my life, and the painful treatments it requires, the really depressing part was that she told me I had to buy an 'SI Belt'. Of course, I had no idea what that was.

It's a strap/belt type thing you wear around your hips, under your clothes, that supports your 'sacroiliac' joint. Wearing this belt should provide my hip joint with enough support to alleviate the stress on my pelvic floor muscles, and stop the pain.

Where do you buy a belt like this one? From a medical supply store. Where seniors go to buy hernia cushions, bathtub seats, and walkers. WONDERFUL.

The change room was decorated with pink frilly lace. I guess that puts seniors at ease? Needless to say, the purchase process made me feel somewhat geriatric, at the ripe 'ole age of 28.

You know that awful self-conscious feeling you get when you wear pantyhose, and suddenly you feel like a sausage, and all your extra blub is being pushed upwards, creating a lovely little muffin-top around your waist? Well, that feeling is now a permanent fixture in my life. THAT'S depressing. The belt sits low - like hipster pants - but because it's essentially a giant elastic it creates some beautifully exaggerated love-handles. GREAT.

So I asked my doctor 'Do I have to wear this belt forever?'. 'No', she said, 'It will wear out and you'll need to replace it'. Not exactly what I meant by that question.

And, to make it all that much worse, I am NOT ALLOWED to RUN or do the ELLIPTICAL. These were the 2 main exercise-type activities I enjoyed, but they also have the up/down hip movement that is NOT GOOD for people with my problem.

Yoga, swimming & biking are recommended for me. So if anyone out there wants to buy an awesome elliptical machine let me know, or alternately, if you're selling a kick-ass stationary bike drop me a line.

And from now on, just call me Muffin Top.

**UPDATE**

Warren 'examined' my new 'hip brace' (as we're calling it) and he reasures me he couldn't tell I was wearing it (because I told him I felt like it was really obvious and everyone was looking at it). So, maybe it FEELS more noticeable than it looks.

And, I have to admit, aside from the discomfort on the FASHION side of things, it actually feels GOOD from a physical/back pain/skeletal support side.

I'm crossing my fingers that it cures my other pains as well.