Exhale

Today marked a turning point in this pregnancy. I called for the appointment on Thursday, and was lucky enough to get one for 9am Monday. It's at a new clinic that is desperate for clients. As happy as I was to get the appointment, I was dreading it all weekend, and was nearly in tears on my way out the door in the morning (sorry, Warren, for being so snarly and negative towards you). But I couldn't help it. The trauma of our previous ultrasound hung over me, and I honestly couldn't visualize this one unfolding any differently. The words 'fetal demise' kept running through my head, and I couldn't shake them.

This time I went alone, because Warren would have had to let the cat out of the bag in order to come, and I wasn't ready for that.

The technician was a nice English lady named Gillian. She asked the inevitable question "So, is this your first pregnancy?". So I told her my sad story. "Ah, so that must be why you're having an early ultrasound this time?". Ya, if you think 11 weeks is early, I guess. Isn't it normal to get one early? "Do twins run in your family". Gasp. Wasn't expecting that question. "Well," she said, "let's get to it".

As she pressed down on my belly with that little instrument, I held my breath and clenched my fists. Time seemed to stand still as I bit my lip with anxiety, bracing myself for the devastating news that I was sure was coming.

 "Oh boy!" she exclaimed, "baby's bouncing all over the place!" My eyes sprung open, "Really? Really? For real?" I asked in total disbelief. Gillian turned the monitor toward me and there it was. A moving image, a blur of black and grey. A baby. Complete with arms, legs, head and...a very pointy nose? A grin crept onto my face and I EXHALED. This was it. This was the turning point. The point at which I worry less, let my heart go, and fall in love.